[ mood | blank ]

I hadn’t really actively thought about it in a while. Then on my way to work this morning, I read this.

[ mood | blah ]

I’m finding it really hard to get into work. I can’t concentrate on coming up with ideas. Plus it’s hot as hell in my office right now and I’m still having computer problems. I’m really not liking work today. I’ve got a list of things to do, but no real motivation to do any of them.

[ mood | groggy ]
[ music | Jeff Buckley – “Last Goodbye” ]

There was something I was gonna say… but now I’m totally drawing a blank. It was some spastic piece of philosophy I was going to share, but it’s all gone now. Oh well.

I played the gay friend all day long. First I had lunch with the gals: The Vin, The Chainsaw & The Bumblebee. Most of the conversation was about work, but I still felt like the token fruit. Not that there’s anything wrong with that… but how do I get myself in these situations. Most of my friends are girls. I need more male friends. You don’t meet available gurlies hanging out with other gurlies. I need be sitting around farting, cussing and hitting on girls with the fellas. Of course when hanging out with the gals… there’s cussing and farting, and they usually hit on each other… just to torment me, so it’s basically the same. Then after work, actually before work was really over, a bunch of us from the office went for margaritas. Who did I end up riding the elevator with and sitting with… all girls. One of them even said, “It’s the girls… and Lance.” Oy. Oh, and big-headed Jetset will luv this… I’ve already been compared to Donal Logue, although it appears like my nickname will end up being Conan… like Conan O’Brien… guess it’s an Irish thing. But work today was actually pretty decent. I was in meetings pretty-much the entire day, but it was all a giggle fest… For some reason everyone was cracking up in each meeting.

This place is sinking its teeth in me… I think I’m becoming a pod.

[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | Deftones – “Bored” ]

So the Times Square rage came out in me today… big shock. I knew it was coming, but wasn’t sure when it would make itself felt.

I was already pissed off this morning when I got to work, because my computer is still not set up. It’s in the office and on the desk, but not on the network. It’s actually a decent computer… 1.7 GHz, 40gb, ATI Rage Video card… the monitor is only a 17″, which isn’t really bad, but when you’ve been spoiled with 20″/21″ machines for a couple of years, it’s an adjustment. I was able to hack my way onto it, only to find out that my user name is restricted user… meaning that I can’t install any programs. I’m hoping they change that once they finish connecting me to the network. It would suck having to call tech support 5 blocks away every time I want to install AIM, ICQ or an FTP client. Finally was able to get online… my mail is fucked, but I can browse websites. I feel so fucking useless here without any access. Ugh.

And then I decided to go to the bank. That wasn’t so bad, but a long ass line. But then I started thinking about how shitty customer service is in NYC… especially midtown. Like when you’re in line at a fast food counter, and the cashier screams “NEXT!!!” Jesus. Shit like that doesn’t happen anywhere else. Most people in the American service industry are actually polite. Up here, even the managers are assholes. Anyway… customer service in Manhattan pisses me off… and then I go to the Post Office. I gave up two seconds after I walked in. I’ll just get up early Saturday and go to the nice once in Hoboken. Ugh.

Then… I went to the bathroom here at the office. Now I understand why toliets in public places, and bars are fucking nasty, but why the fuck do they get so nasty in a professional office building. Everyone here has a college degree and has some amount of common sense. Why do people piss all over the seats and refuse to flush? I’m not being really anal or something (no pun intended)… I don’t expect the place to be spotless, but it’s fucking nasty. And it does get cleaned every night, so it’s not a maintenance issue.

Anyway… all those things just made me fucking angry today… that and the tourists that keep stopping in the middle of the sidewalk… I kept wanting to push them into traffic. Ugh. I was walking back to the office after grabbing food and I was just so miserable. Ugh. Sometimes I fucking hate New York.

[ mood | blah ]
[ music | Shawshank Redemption Soundtrack – “Shawshank Redemption” ]

So that pimple on my eyelid wasn’t there when I woke up… so either it corrected itself, or I was having some fucked-up hallucination last night… either way, glad it’s gone.

In the saga of “when will Lance get a computer at work” — supposedly this coming Friday… that’s the word from the tech support people. Not sure if I believe them, but it would be nice. In other office news… word is that I might be getting a cell mate in my office… which would suck, but not be the end of the world. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was another creative person, or someone online, etc., but sounds like I’m getting an accountant. Blah.

I’m still having this feeling of unease the night before work, and during the commute as well, but once I get there I’m pretty happy – I think this just might work out.

Times Square isn’t as bugging as I thought it was gonna be, probably because I’m not in TRL central, so the crowds aren’t as annoying. It is kinda nice because I have many commute options from there.

Had lunch with The Vin today. It was great seeing her again. She’s still kicking it at her job. We chatted about career stuff, and funny marriage stories and split some apple pie ala mode… yum!

Got my hair cut today, but now I have itchy-head. Ack. I’ll be finding lil hairs for days.

I haven’t had the urge to stab anyone lately. That’s a bonus. I did read an article about a guy who got stabbed in the head with a screwdriver outside a cybercafe in Cali. A screwdriver. Most screwdrivers cost more than knives. A screwdriver… ouch.

Sleep now.

[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | The Spinanes – “Noel, Jonah And Me” ]

I have a pimple on my eyelid… how the fuck does that happen… how the fuck do you get rid of it? It is freaking me out… I’m having aural & visual issues this long weekend.
Sunday all day my ear was blocked with waxed… but I was finally able to flush it out… and now this… fuck n’ hell.

[ mood | full ]
[ music | Tool – “Triad’ ]

I got nagged at today for not writing in my journal enough… She who shall remain nameless is attempting to maintain a journal of her own… and apparently I’m a role model… wheeeee. So here I go…

I’m about to pop. I’m attempting to drink more water daily. I read a bunch of articles talking about how important it is to drink enough water. I think the reason I’ve been sick as of late has a lot to do with not keep hydrated… well that and stress. Nothing you can do about stress, but I’m trying to drink more water and starting to eat better. I’ve also cut out caffiene. I usually do that once a year for a few months and then give in… but I’m thinking it is gonna stick this time. a) I’m not going thru withdrawl like I normally do & b) I’ve replaced coffee & cokes with this insane amount of water… Back to the water. Most people need 64 ozs a day. I’m gonna up them and try to do 100 oz. a day. That’s about 3 liters… so 2 of those big Poland spring bottles. Normally it’s not bad, and I’m actually liking water now… but I got a late start today. Got busy with stuff and forgot to drink the water… so I ended drinking the bulk of it between like 8pm and now. I envision several trips to the bathroom tonight.

Work has been pretty decent so far. Of course I’ve been sick all week, so my experience hasn’t been great… but hopefully it’ll get better this week. I have an office which is pretty cool… first private office for me! And yes I am still waiting for a damn computer… that part is very frustrating. I went out today to get a desk lamp so I wouldn’t have to use those horrible fluorescent overheads, so it’s starting to be a little more personalized. The people still seem pretty cool. No hint of politics yet. Everyone has been really friendly and helpful… still feeling a little bit over my head, but as I catch on, I expect that to go away somewhat.

My first roommate in NYC who left for the greener pastures of Silicon Valley a few years back got laid off last week from Yahoo. He had been there a long time. His attitude was a lot like mine at the last job I had… he was ready to get laid off. The job had gotten shittier progressively as Yahoo had acquired new companies in his area. He seems okay with the whole thing… hope it works out. The tally of unemployed friends keeps going up. Wonder what this year is gonna be like?

I was a total vegatable this weekend… I didn’t do crap till today. I’m telling myself I was sick so it was okay… and indeed I was on medication, but still feel like I wasted the weekend. Still not used to the idea of the work week. I gotta make a better effort to take advantage of the weekends.

(yes i realize this is a long ass rant… on well)

When I was dropping off my lamp at the office today (we were closed), I ran into a guy who works there, who was sneaking in some extra work. We talked for a while.. he’s a really great guy At some point he mentioned that it must have been a pain for me to come in from Jersey just to drop off the lamp… It still makes me laugh when people think Jersey is soooo far away. When I told him how long my commute took he looked shocked and then revealed that his Brooklyn commute took twice as long. I’m still digging where I live… cheap, quick commute, and quiet at night. Now while it’s easy to get from Jersey to Manhattan, it can be a pain in the ass to get to the other boroughs… but only losers live there anyway 😉

Still kinda in a melancholy funk… probably just the sickness and the newness of the job. “The Girl” did call me today. We only got to chat for a second, but it still made me smile. Wish we had more time to chat… but it’s tough. I’ll take what I can get though.

I’m still listening to the “new” Tool album. I probably listen to it all the way thru once or twice per week since it came out last year. Amazing musically. I’m still not into their other albums as much, but this one is so amazying. So much ear candy… sounds great on headphones as well as rumbling out speakers. If anyone reading this hasn’t really been into Tool (like me previously)… pick up Lateralus used… and then start by listening to Parabol & Parabola – unbelievable.

This post feels shitty to me… but I’m hitting submit anyway. Gotta pee.

Weeeeee.

[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Smashing Pumpkins – “Here’s To The Atom Bomb” ]

I’m realizing now that I’m looking back on journal entries that I’ve been listening a lot to the Pumpkins lately… which is kinda weird, because I had kinda written them off… I guess they’re kinda like an old friend for me… disappearing for a while, and then returning to brighten your day. Weird.

So that last post was a little confusing… as if I never got into the office that day… just sat in reception. That’s not the case… the timestamp on that entry was goofy…

Anyway, I finally found someone at the office to let me in. We ran around for a while introducing me to everyone… I’m so bad at remembering names, but now that I’ve been there for a few days I think I’m catching on. So I do have an office – which is pretty sweet. I finally got a phone two days in, but I still don’t have a computer yet… which makes it kinda hard to do your job when you’re the online producer… alas. Been in meetings most of the week getting caught up on what’s going on. I basically walked into a massive relaunch scheduled for April 1st. Agh. A little overwhelming at first, but it’s all starting to become clear. It’s easier to adjust since I worked for the same parent company forever… But what’s really great there, is that there’s no real distinction between online & on-air, like there is at most TV networks. The entire network is on one floor. Everyone goes to the meetings… You don’t have to fight to get online mentions on-air and vice-versa… it really works well. They have that part nailed.

Everyone I’ve met so far seems really cool. No bad vibes at all. Only downer is that I’ve been sick all week. Finally went to the doc this morning and he gave me some drugs. So looks like I’ll be chillin in my apartment all weekend, encased in snow and popping pills. Fun. So tired. Going to bed.

[ mood | anxious ]

So here I am sitting in reception at the new job… I called to find out what time to be here yesterday, but my director never called me back. If they’re like MTV they start at 10am… but I figured I’d play it safe and show up @ 9. I had to run an errand first which ended up taking longer than expected… so I got there @ 9:15. My director isn’t in yet… so I’m still waiting. No big deal, but I have to pee… ugh.

[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | Smashing Pumpkins – “Set The Ray To Jerry” ]

I’ve been depressed all day today. A few things kinda set me off… none of them totally huge… just seemed like a culmination of things. But as the day drug on I started realizing that it felt different than the occasional depression I had over the last couple of months (gadgets not working… loneliness, etc.). It wasn’t the 9.11 type, although I’m sure that one is in there buried deep in my subconscious readying itself to spring forth at any time. It made me queasy… my stomach hurt. Then it set in… it’s work depression. It’s the same feeling I had on and off the last year @ MTV.com. The feeling I had walking to work.. and wanting to just keep walking down 9th street and not enter those revolving doors… God, I hope MTV didn’t ruin me forever. I hate to go into the new job with this baggage hanging over me. I hope the new gig can actually be “new” to me. I hope it can be like MTV used to be when I first started… exciting, fun, full of hard, rewarding work.

I think I’m actually more scared that I’ll interpret the job as being shitty when it’s not, than the job actually being shitty. Does that make any sense?

I used to love work. I hope I can again.

Blah.

[ mood | relaxed ]
[ music | Smashing Pumpkins – “Obscured” ]

So I had an interesting weekend… Friday we had an exMTV lil drinkfest. Quite fun. Seems like quite a few people showed up and everyone had fun… some people had a lil too much fun and almost got their asses kicked out to the curb… let’s just say some tits & crotch were flashed… I was gone by then, but heard part of the story later that night.. Can’t wait to hear the rest of it.

Went to a show last night with Jetset to see a band he and everyone else in NYC is raving about… Interpol. My summary… don’t believe the hype. I liked the threads… I liked the music, but you could grate cheese on the lead singer’s voice. One of the few shows where I enjoyed the opening bands more than the main attraction. I highly recommend Sea Ray… Mellow band with a 2 guitar, bass, keys, drums & cello arrangement… nice. Bought 2 CDs off the guy after the show and I thought he was gonna kiss me or something… wonder if I was the only one to buy in that night?

So ended up hanging out most of the weekend with Jetset… specially since his lazy Boston ass was staying at my place. It was actually fun having him around. Sometimes it is a pain in the ass to play host for your friends from outta town (he’d probably agree), but it worked out well with him. Plus since we were out by Mercury Lounge I was able to eat Bereket!!! I miss that place.

After Jetset left this morning, I headed into the city to catch a flick. Saw the “Royal Tennenbaums” – totally let down by it. I think I let the hype color my viewing… but I just didn’t enjoy it. Pacing was really funky & frustrating. I like Wes Anderson’s style… but everything about this movie just seemed pale in comparison to “Rushmore” — dunno. Maybe I’ll catch it again on video after I’ve forgotton about it. Sometimes I like films better that way.

Before the movie began, I was sitting in a lil Mexican place eating a chicken taco and watching the tourists pass by. I saw this tourist family pass by… father in a Yankees cap, mother in Mets knit cap, daughters wearing NYC tees… and then their teenage son strolled by wearing a “Ground Zero” knit cap. WHAT THE FUCK! I fucking wanted to go out there and rip it off his head and shove it up his ass. Is he gonna go home to Nebraska and be like, “look at my cool cap.” Or maybe when they ask him what he did on vacation he’ll say “went to NYC to see this big hole in the ground… it was sooo rad.” I really felt like bashing his head into the curb in front of his family and then asking them if they had a t-shirt I could where. What a fucking family of dickheads. A “Ground Zero” hat… what the fuck is that all about. FDNY, NYPD… I get that… but Ground Zero… oh brother.

2 more days of freedom then I work again. I don’t wanna work.

[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | Jane’s Addiction – “Been Caught Stealing” ]

So I got a job today! I’m pretty excited. I was actually gonna pass on it at first, because it was only a four-month position, but after talking to one of the directors, she assured me that there was a strong possibility that I would be taken on as staff if I worked out… Now I could just be a sucker falling for a line… but I think I really believe her. Everyone there seems really cool… no ego or politics. I think I’m really lucky to have gotten picked up there. Of course… I’ll probably be bitching a day after I start.

I’ll miss being a slacker. I hope it all works out.

[ mood | excited ]
[ music | DJ Shadow – “Midnight In A Perfect World” ]

Wow…. Windows XP Pro is a breeze to install… and so much quicker to boot up. About 30 seconds compared to 5 minutes on Win98SE. So happy… yay!

[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Salaryman – “I Need A Monkey” ]

Hmmmm… so I had a melancholy kinda day. Slept late. Started to play with my MP3 player… uploading files and such, and the damn thing is broken again. Ugh. Guess I’ll be calling the tech support guys again. Just wish the damn thing would work.

Fell victim to the gadget bug again… I ordered that camera I’ve been jonzing for… but I know I’ll really use it, so I don’t feel too guilty. As soon as it comes in, I’m gonna send in the old camera to get it repaired. Hopefully it won’t take too long.

I got a call back from the job I interviewed for on Thursday on Friday. Now the VP wants me to come in to interview. I guess that’s a good sign. I also got a call late that afternoon from the director I the first interview with. She called me from her home to say they were very interested and that she’d see me on Monday… again that sounds good. Guess I’ll find out more Monday.

Now that I’ve got XP on my laptop, Win98 on my desktop/editing suite is kinda bugging me. Been having some minor issues with it. I think I’ll probably go pick up a copy of XP for the desktop tomorrow from J&R. It’s gonna be a pain to backup all my data to CDR to dump back on the machine after I format it… but probably be worth it. I figure I’ve got about 40 discs worth of data I need to back up (last major back up was 5 months ago). Only done about 6 so far… blah.

[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Jimi Hendrix & The Band of Gypsys – “Machine Gun” ]

Had the job interview today. Went very well. They’re supposed to call me Friday and let me know what the deal is. Should be interesting.

Saw “A Beautiful Mind” today. Pretty great film. Really enjoyed what’s-his-name’s performance as the genius. Entertaining film. Then saw a band tonight… a friend of a friend’s. They were okay, just not my cup of tea.

Need sleep.

[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | Smashing Pumpkins – “Rocket” ]

So I’m having a mixed feelings kinda day. This morning a get a call from a woman about a job. Now I knew the call was coming, because a friend of mine who didn’t want the gig, suggested me for it, but it was a little bit of a shock this morning nonetheless.

At first it didn’t look good, because as soon as the girl called, my door buzzer rang. It was the USPS with a package for me… so I had to hang up on her and get the package… but I called her back, and we actually knew a lot of the same people, and had shared some of the same vendors in our jobs… so that was interesting. I’m supposed to go in on Thursday and talk some more about it. Sounds promising… but… I’m not sure if I want a job right now. My severance package runs for 3 more months, so I don’t have to get a job right now… but the market is such shit… what if one isn’t available later? Ugh. And if I turned down a job, all my other jobless friends would lynch me. I guess if they offer… I’ll take it.

Second… went to go see that camera I was jonzing for @ J&R. I don’t wanna buy it there because it’s $250 more there than online… but I wanted to hold it… see how big it is, etc. (god that sounds bad). Of course after trekking down to ground zero… they didn’t have it.

Then… I had tentative lunch plans with Bitchygurl… but they fell thru when I got held up by the job lady… so I called another friend to go eat with. Now this other friend is a girlie too… and I had been entertaining the idea of maybe asking her out…. I kinda thought there was a vibe there. And we ended up hanging out at her apartment a couple times and had a good time… but couldn’t tell if the vibe was 360 or not… Well at lunch today, I all of sudden find out she has a boyfriend… and has had one for the past year… ugh!! What the fuck is that. Was I completely fooled by the possibility of a vibe. Do I have “gay friend” tattooed on my forehead. Geez… how come I’m always the friend and never the date. Oy. And of course we talked about her boyfriend isn’t quite what she needs or is looking for… and then we both talked about what we wanted in a relationship and it’s pretty much the same thing.. but of course she’s never gonna break up with the dood… I swear. I might as well go gay… the I could be the official gay friend rather than a pseudo/proxy gay friend. UGH.

Okay… so tally so far:
a) Job interview: maybe good/maybe bad, but probably good
b) gay friend syndrome: bad.

Here’s the next weird thing. I have an MP3 player. It’s been DOA since I got it. Had been playing phone tag with tech support. We tried everything… and it wouldn’t work. They finally call me back. We go thru the whole process again… and this time, out of the blue it works. What the fuck is that? Did I do something idiotic? I feel like such a dumbass… but the guy was really cool and not condescending… so that’s a plus. So… if you ever have a problem with an eDigital product… call tech support and ask for Fonda – he rocks! So now the MP3 player is working. Just gotta load all 3,000 songs on to it. Hmmm…

Now I’m watching the Smashing Pumpkins DVD… so I’m pretty happy. Gonna fix pasta & salad later… so that should be good too. Are things turning around?

Whatever. Weird.

[ mood | restless ]
[ music | Soundgarden – “Mind Riot” ]

Okay… so first, that water thing… turns out it was a broken main somewhere so now I’ve gotta boil water for like 48 hours. Blah.

Second… lord help me. I’ve found a camera I really wanna buy, but shouldn’t… And I found a place that sells it for 250 less than suggested retail. Ugh. Nevermind I have to send my current camera in to get repaired… actually that’s why I started looking for another camera. I hate the thought of being cameraless for a few weeks while this one gets repaired. Ugh. What to do. I’m such a gadget addict. I need help.

Third… mad props to Bitchygurl for calling me outta the blue at 11:30 tonight just to chat. I was so shocked to hear her voice… I was expecting either “I’m in jail, help me” or “I’m stuck in Hoboken, can I crash!” Not that she’s always looking for something… you just gotta realize she just usually doesn’t call outta the blue. We used to work together.. so our communication was usually centered around me slacking off work to sit in her cube and chat… but since I’ve gotten laid off, it’s now an IM-only affair… but now with the introduction of the phone call… Wow. It’s like sliced bread or something. Cut to the chase… it was great to get her call! Wheeeee… color me a happy pair of pants!

Ugh… but now I’m dying for conversation. After actually talking on the phone… I’m now jonzing for those funny really-long conversations I used to have. Like the kind when you were in college… at a diner… in the middle of the night, talking about whatever for hours over a plate of waffles and scattered, smothered and covered hashbrowns. Or like the phone calls I used to get from “the girl” where we’d talk on the phone for 6 or 7 hours and not realize it till the phone bill came. How come all my great conversational friends get married & have kids, or move away, or just dissappear. Am I a shitty friend? I’d like to say no… but the evidence is leading me to another conclusion. Ugh. Here’s my personal ad: man seeks great conversationalist… topics may vary, also looking for someone who likes the occassional night at home on the couch watching bad TV or great movies. Oh and sex too. That would be good. Oh yeah… must understand that occassionally I might need a night alone, and let me be. Blah. Is that asking too much. Am I really tired and ranting… yeah. I’m trying to keep myself from buying a camera… ugh.

Blah blah ugh. Must. Not. Buy. Camera. Blah. Ugh. Help. Me.

[ mood | ecstatic ]
[ music | King’s X – “Moanjam” ]

Woo hoo! My water appears to be normal. It lost that brown tint… then went to yellow… now appears to be clear although there is some weird black residue in the bottom of the sink… I’m guess it is probably just rust. Suppose I’ll never get any answers out of my super… especially since she can’t speak English. Oh well. Now that I’ve slacked all day, I gotta be productive this evening. Right after I get up enough courage to drink the water.

On another note… I’m kinda pissed… my digital still camera is sick. It is still under warranty but I’ll probably be without the camera for a few weeks/months. That of course will suck, and now I’m looking at other cameras… I really shouldn’t buy a new camera, but it would be nice to have a backup… but the one I want is waaaay to expensive. I hope I can talk myself out of buying it.

Damn gadget fetish.

[ mood | worried ]
[ music | Poster Children – “Strange Attractors” ]

Now the water is back… but it is slow & yellow… Yummy. Blah.

[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | Refused – “Summerholidays Vs. Punkroutine” ]

Ugh… I have no water. This sucks. I really wanted to take a nice hot shower this morning in my freezing cold apartment… It would be nice to be able to flush the toliet as well. I called the super, who doesn’t speak very good English and said, “I don’t have any water.” She replied, “No one does,” and hung up the phone. Such great service.