February | 2004 | permalance

So I’m writing this entry in my kitchen. I was doing dishes a few minutes ago and realized that I rarely use the kitchen, other than to cook (or what I call cooking) and to do the dishes. I think the kitchen table has seen one, maybe two meals. So I thought, “what the heck” and brought the laptop & the iPod in. I think I like writing here. It’s like a little cafe. I have a small table, just big enough for two. There are some candles burning behind my screen, and I’m looking out at views I don’t normally take in for this long. To my right I can see a bunch of little apartment buildings with parts of Jersey City rising up behind. Over my shoulder and up the hill is The Doric – a rather tall apartment building in Jersey City, or Union City… the city limits kind of blur together here. That’s something that doesn’t happen back home. There are fifteen or twenty miles between towns there… here they just run together with only a block and some shrubs separating them.

Work has been insanely busy lately. It’s good to be busy, but it is getting a little tiring. I had my annual review last week and there was talk of taking on new responsibilities, etc., but the problem that came up is that I don’t have enough time. This week I’m supposed to keep a journal of what I do, so my VeeP and I can talk about where to trim my schedule. Along with that I’m going to try to start getting into work earlier, so I can set up my day before it gets taken over with meetings. We’ll see how goes.

Okay, I’m definitely liking this kitchen thing. There are no distractions, it’s peaceful.

Last week was all work, nothing much else was going on, but the previous couple of weeks, I actually made it out of the house & office a bit. It started by going out with my friend Courtney for drinks. We got nicely sloshed and talked “The Nipple” which was consuming both of our workdays at that point. Post drinks it was Subway sandwiches. The next day it was Spanish cuisine with Todd. We worked together a few years back and now he does some freelance work for me now and then. It’s really good to get together with him and just shoot the breeze. We have a similar sense of humor, and lean the same way politically usually. He’s from a kind of redneck part of the world too, so at some point we always drift into redneck accents and make fun of our beginnings. It was a really good night, filled with sangria, chorizo and belly laughs.

At this point, I can’t remember what else happened that week, which sucks, because I think something else did. I’ll try not to procrastinate on the postings again. Blah.

So the next week, I went with drinks again on a Monday with a friend of a friend. We had met briefly a few months earlier and hit it off and ended up running into each other again so drinks were scheduled. I was an idiot for the first few minutes. I get nervous when meeting new people and end up being all weird with the small talk, but after a little bourbon, I loosened up. We had an odd moment early in the evening when we both realized aloud that we each knew nothing about the other. We ended up having a really good time drinking heavily and trading barbs back and forth. It was interesting. And it made me realize that I don’t meet new people that often. I’ve gotta get back on that.

That Friday I ended up going out for last-minute drinks with a couple of people from work. We tried a new bar across from work. It ended up being expensive, but the drinks were funky and very alcohol-rich. Everything was going swimmingly, until one of the co-workers started spouting off about something she shouldn’t have about work. I just tried to dodge the subject, but the damage was done. It put me in a really awkward place, and I ended up having to say something to my supervisor. I wouldn’t have normally, but what she was telling, directly impacted someone at work in an unfair way. It’s hard to explain without being specific, but I feel better about telling my VeeP, but now I feel awkward around the co-worker. She doesn’t know I’ve said anything, and she might not even remember telling me… but… ugh.

Valentine’s Day… which is normally a day that, quite frankly, sucks, was actually very special this year. I ended up spending it with my best friend in the entire world. We had a wonderful time. It was one of those odd nights where you just really connect with someone on a whole different level… emotional, spiritual, something. We just really connected and had a wonderful night listening to music, talking, laughing… I get all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. I’m giddy.

I watched the season finale of Sex and the City earlier. I was happy with how it ended, one of the better series finales. I started watching the retrospective that came on before the show, but I haven’t finished it yet. To be honest, it seemed a bit self-serving, and if it’s possible for a show to be conceited, it was.

Okay… now I want a mocha frappucinno, but unfortunately Cafe Lance doesn’t serve that.

Blah.

SONG OF THE MOMENT: Smashing Pumpkins – “Mayonaise”

My best friend’s father died tonight at 9:30pm, and I don’t know what to tell her. There’s nothing I can say to make her feel better. There aren’t words that I can recite to make the emptiness go away. I told her, “if there’s anything you need, I’m here” and her immediate response was, “I need a hug.” I’m only 45 minutes away from her, but I’ve never felt further away from her than I did right then. I hugged a pillow and told her that I was imagining it was her, but is that good enough? What can you do? The easy answer, the one that everyone will tell you is “just be there for her.” But that won’t really fix the damage, you can’t uncrash a car. I’m imagining it’s like a car wreck, but instead of your body being twisted and torn, it’s your soul. How do you repair that?

So tonight, the world is now short one father, one grandfather, one husband & one friend. And my best friend’s soul is being twisted and torn, and I’ll stand with her, and I’ll be there for her because that’s what you do.

But it’s not enough.

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Monthly Archives: February 2004

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