I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. Sometimes when friends at work ask what I’m doing over a weekend, I’ll respond back “Sitting at home crying.” It’s a joke, really. But lately I’ve found myself crying for no particular reason. This morning it was on the train into work, I just start tearing up as sat there listening to music and zooming through the tunnel. I was running late to work, so the car was practically empty – I don’t think anyone noticed. I’m glad no one was around to ask “You alright?” because what would I say – “I dunno?”

I mean, work is frustrating, but not more so than the past year or so. And really, it seems silly to be upset by the job… I earn a decent wage. I have benefits. There’s no hard labor involved. How can I justify bitching about my job, when there’s people my age, and younger – kids – who signed up for as weekend warriors so they might be able to afford college, and now they’re driving around Iraq or Afghanistan in unarmored HUMVEEs hoping to God they’ll be able to go home with all the limbs they came in with… or just to go home at all. Or maybe they’re still walking around numb, because the day before they saw their best friend die when a roadside bomb exploded. Where the fuck do I come off complaining about a desk job in a highrise.

I wish I could say it’s the military situation that’s causing me to be upset, but the only reason I’m writing about it now, is because it was featured on ER tonight. It does upset me – it always has, even since I was a kid. I remember reading newspaper articles about a helicopter crash on base (we lived near one growing up) and feeling bad realizing that they had taken a job for a little bit of money, and with the understanding that they might be called on to die. For me.

But I haven’t been actively thinking about this. So what’s going on with me? I keep wondering if I’m deluding myself. If there’s something that I should really be upset about, but I’m masking it somehow. Maybe it is just the worries of the world, of the job, whatever – lurking underneath.

I’m not trying to be bitchy. I’m not asking for sympathy or trying to have a pity party – just trying to type it out so I can understand it. Hopefully it’ll come to me, or just go away. Maybe it’s just the snow.

SONG OF THE MOMENT: Explosions in the Sky – “Lonely Train”

I’m a bit drunk as I’m writing this, so bear with me. So, tonight there was a little unofficial work drinkfest for a girl who’s leaving us to go make documentaries – rock on sister! I’m sitting there drinking and I get a call from “The Drunk.”

A bit of background – The Drunk and I met at a friend’s wedding party thing (they eloped so it was an excuse to get drunk and collect presents). We were both wasted, but had fun goofing off, and I made sure she got home okay (I was a complete gentleman). Anywho, a few months later the married couple said “Hey, she’s into you, you should call her.” So I did, and we hung out a couple of times. I felt absolutely no spark from her whatsoever, and she kind of annoyed me a bit so I quit calling (although she didn’t…). So about a year later, she calls, and I’m in a mood for a drink, so we went out and got plastered (we always get plastered, hence her nickname) and ended up making out at the bar (classy!). I’m gonna time compress here – nothing else ever happened – basically because I’m always convinced that no one could possibly like me, so I didn’t pursue her at all, despite obvious interest (hindsight is a bitch). Anyhow, we’re just friends now, and that’s fine.

So I’m at the bar and I get the call. I told her I was hanging with friends, and she was more than welcome to come get drunk. She did (much to my suprise). Nothing too crazy happened (she hit on my married friend – but that’s okay, because I hit on another married friend for no reason). She seemed to get along with everyone…

The funny, and great part was, at least twice, two different people from work came up to me and said “You can do much better than her.” I made it clear we weren’t a couple and said “Yeah, I know.”

I gotta say, that’s the nicest thing that anyone has said in a while. Because, while – yeah, something about her is troublesome, she’s pretty and funny – and not unlikeable – so if people think I can do better – that’s a good compliment (in my book). And a little esteem-booster.

Now I’ve just got to find me a nice girl.

But not too nice.

SONG OF THE MOMENT: Pell Mell – “Interloper”

So I spotted this two blocks from my apartment on the way home tonight.

Which is weird for two reasons: a) I’ve been craving Krystals for the past week. And b) the closest Krystal is in Kentucky – about 800 miles away.

For those unfamiliar, a Krystal is very similar to a White Castle, in that it’s small and square, but the taste is just a little different (I’d argue better) and they have really tasty fries. Now I’m starved.

In other odd news, I’m taking a programming class this semester, but we’re having it in a regular lecture room, not a computer lab. It’s weird taking notes with pencil, with no way to evaluate code in class. Plus, the homework we have to burn to CD or floppy and hand in the next week. Weird.

My friend who’s taking the class with me, swung by work to pick me up. While we were talking one of the beautiful coworkers came up and started chatting me up. After she left my friend commented, “Man, she was really flirting with you.” I agreed but pointed out she’s married, and that a few of the married girlies there flirt with me. WTF is up with that anyway? Eh.

SONG OF THE MOMENT: Living Colour – “Nothingness”

P.S. – I’ve been getting a lot of comment spam here. If anyone reading this is a WordPress user that’s found a decent, easliy implemented solution, lemme know.

I can’t get shit done today; my mind is just all over the place. Everytime I sit down to do something, about two minutes later my brain is drifting. I’d almost say I have adult attention deficit disorder, but I think those kinds of “diseases” are bullshit, like lactose intolorence and the Easter Bunny.

The gig is really starting to get to me again, but a quick survey around the office indicates that plenty of other people are annoyed too. The overall complaint is how disorganized the projects we receive are. We’ll be waiting for assignments for weeks, and when they finally come in, they’re missing most of the useful info. And of course they’re due the next day. Oh, and they’ll change the direction of the brief 180 degrees while you’re in the middle of it.

I think the problem really lies in the management of our department. The VeeP, who I report to is an awesome person. We’re friends, and I totally love her from that standpoint, but she’s got to be one of the worst managers I’ve ever encountered. She’s smart from a business standpoint, but when it comes to managing people – she sucks. No information gets shared down the department line. Decisions will be made in people’s offices, or in the hallway, but no one shares the info with the grunts doing the work. It’s like we’re all working blindfolded in a minefield, while the commanding officer is sitting back at base with a map of all the booby traps. Blech.

I’m equal parts bored & frustrated at the office now. Frustration stems from the above plus the fact that I have no one to work with on any of my projects. I’m a one-person department, so I do all the planning/strategy and then implement everything. Normally that wouldn’t annoy me – I like being hands on. The problem is, that all the hands on stuff I’m doing is daily maintenance crap. It’s hard to feel inspired when I’m doing data-entry and spreadsheets all day. And that’s the thing, my job is supposed to be a creative one – I’m supposed to be pitching ideas and coming up with innovative ways to do things… but I’m drowing in all the daily mess. And when I get some free time, I’m too annoyed to be creative. I’ve pitched maybe five decent ideas in the three years I’ve been here.

For the past year I’ve been asking them to let me hired a coordinator of some kind so I can share the workload, and free up some time to do more creative things. And also to have someone in my field to bounce ideas off of. Every time I ask about the status I get the “we’re just waiting on budget and headcount…” I bet nothing happens this year.

I’m at the point now where I really just want to leave, and start over somewhere new. A friend of mine got my hopes up a couple of months back — she thought they’d be hiring at her job, a place I would absolutely love to be. I love her. I have another friend heading there. I’ve met some of her other coworkers and they’re great! Turns out they’re not hiring afterall. Ugh. The job market is shit for my type of deal. I just totally feel trapped right now… I’m just not sure what to do. I went to one of the HR/career people here a while back, and after about five minutes, she said, “You need to read this book…” I got through about five pages of the self-help/find-your-perfect-job book before I started dry-heaving.

Sorry for being whiney. I’m the office therapist here, so every day about five or six different people come by and shut my door to vent… just needed to let off some steam of my own.

On the plus side, my little bout of insomnia seems to have subsided for now. And the cats have been “talking” a lot lately – making all kinds of weird noises – it’s hilarious.

SONG OF THE MOMENT: Poster Children – “Not Like You”