So Beige and I were talking tonight at the sake bar, and we came up with a pretty strong theory. See, we’re both pussies… we’re the kind of guys who end up with lots of friends that are girls, because we’re not assholes enough to actually score the girls outright. We’ve come to the conclusion that John Cusack is a major factor here.
If you mention John Cusack to a girl, or start talking fondly about “Say Anything” or any of his other romantic comedies, they almost always go “Ohhhh, I love John Cusack.” Now they say this, and they might even think it – but they’ll always go home with the asshole, and then call you to say “God, I wish he was more like John Cusack… ya know… more like you.” So fuck John Cusack. You made me a pussy Cusack.
Oh yeah, and G.I. Joe pussied me up too. Knowing is half the battle – yeah right. All Yo Joe ever taught us was that no one ever dies when you shoot their plane up five feet from the ground, and good guy’s bullets look like red lasers, and bad guys shoot blue lasers. How am I supposed to survive in this world with that kind of information? So fuck you too G.I. Joe, all of you. Except Snake-Eyes. That guy was cool because he never said anything, and he could gut you before you could say “Who’s wolf is that?”
SONG OF THE MOMENT: Fireside – “Slipper Hero”