[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | Smashing Pumpkins – “Set The Ray To Jerry” ]

I’ve been depressed all day today. A few things kinda set me off… none of them totally huge… just seemed like a culmination of things. But as the day drug on I started realizing that it felt different than the occasional depression I had over the last couple of months (gadgets not working… loneliness, etc.). It wasn’t the 9.11 type, although I’m sure that one is in there buried deep in my subconscious readying itself to spring forth at any time. It made me queasy… my stomach hurt. Then it set in… it’s work depression. It’s the same feeling I had on and off the last year @ MTV.com. The feeling I had walking to work.. and wanting to just keep walking down 9th street and not enter those revolving doors… God, I hope MTV didn’t ruin me forever. I hate to go into the new job with this baggage hanging over me. I hope the new gig can actually be “new” to me. I hope it can be like MTV used to be when I first started… exciting, fun, full of hard, rewarding work.

I think I’m actually more scared that I’ll interpret the job as being shitty when it’s not, than the job actually being shitty. Does that make any sense?

I used to love work. I hope I can again.

Blah.