[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | Smashing Pumpkins – “Set The Ray To Jerry” ]

I’ve been depressed all day today. A few things kinda set me off… none of them totally huge… just seemed like a culmination of things. But as the day drug on I started realizing that it felt different than the occasional depression I had over the last couple of months (gadgets not working… loneliness, etc.). It wasn’t the 9.11 type, although I’m sure that one is in there buried deep in my subconscious readying itself to spring forth at any time. It made me queasy… my stomach hurt. Then it set in… it’s work depression. It’s the same feeling I had on and off the last year @ MTV.com. The feeling I had walking to work.. and wanting to just keep walking down 9th street and not enter those revolving doors… God, I hope MTV didn’t ruin me forever. I hate to go into the new job with this baggage hanging over me. I hope the new gig can actually be “new” to me. I hope it can be like MTV used to be when I first started… exciting, fun, full of hard, rewarding work.

I think I’m actually more scared that I’ll interpret the job as being shitty when it’s not, than the job actually being shitty. Does that make any sense?

I used to love work. I hope I can again.

Blah.

[ mood | relaxed ]
[ music | Smashing Pumpkins – “Obscured” ]

So I had an interesting weekend… Friday we had an exMTV lil drinkfest. Quite fun. Seems like quite a few people showed up and everyone had fun… some people had a lil too much fun and almost got their asses kicked out to the curb… let’s just say some tits & crotch were flashed… I was gone by then, but heard part of the story later that night.. Can’t wait to hear the rest of it.

Went to a show last night with Jetset to see a band he and everyone else in NYC is raving about… Interpol. My summary… don’t believe the hype. I liked the threads… I liked the music, but you could grate cheese on the lead singer’s voice. One of the few shows where I enjoyed the opening bands more than the main attraction. I highly recommend Sea Ray… Mellow band with a 2 guitar, bass, keys, drums & cello arrangement… nice. Bought 2 CDs off the guy after the show and I thought he was gonna kiss me or something… wonder if I was the only one to buy in that night?

So ended up hanging out most of the weekend with Jetset… specially since his lazy Boston ass was staying at my place. It was actually fun having him around. Sometimes it is a pain in the ass to play host for your friends from outta town (he’d probably agree), but it worked out well with him. Plus since we were out by Mercury Lounge I was able to eat Bereket!!! I miss that place.

After Jetset left this morning, I headed into the city to catch a flick. Saw the “Royal Tennenbaums” – totally let down by it. I think I let the hype color my viewing… but I just didn’t enjoy it. Pacing was really funky & frustrating. I like Wes Anderson’s style… but everything about this movie just seemed pale in comparison to “Rushmore” — dunno. Maybe I’ll catch it again on video after I’ve forgotton about it. Sometimes I like films better that way.

Before the movie began, I was sitting in a lil Mexican place eating a chicken taco and watching the tourists pass by. I saw this tourist family pass by… father in a Yankees cap, mother in Mets knit cap, daughters wearing NYC tees… and then their teenage son strolled by wearing a “Ground Zero” knit cap. WHAT THE FUCK! I fucking wanted to go out there and rip it off his head and shove it up his ass. Is he gonna go home to Nebraska and be like, “look at my cool cap.” Or maybe when they ask him what he did on vacation he’ll say “went to NYC to see this big hole in the ground… it was sooo rad.” I really felt like bashing his head into the curb in front of his family and then asking them if they had a t-shirt I could where. What a fucking family of dickheads. A “Ground Zero” hat… what the fuck is that all about. FDNY, NYPD… I get that… but Ground Zero… oh brother.

2 more days of freedom then I work again. I don’t wanna work.

[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | Jane’s Addiction – “Been Caught Stealing” ]

So I got a job today! I’m pretty excited. I was actually gonna pass on it at first, because it was only a four-month position, but after talking to one of the directors, she assured me that there was a strong possibility that I would be taken on as staff if I worked out… Now I could just be a sucker falling for a line… but I think I really believe her. Everyone there seems really cool… no ego or politics. I think I’m really lucky to have gotten picked up there. Of course… I’ll probably be bitching a day after I start.

I’ll miss being a slacker. I hope it all works out.

[ mood | excited ]
[ music | DJ Shadow – “Midnight In A Perfect World” ]

Wow…. Windows XP Pro is a breeze to install… and so much quicker to boot up. About 30 seconds compared to 5 minutes on Win98SE. So happy… yay!

[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Salaryman – “I Need A Monkey” ]

Hmmmm… so I had a melancholy kinda day. Slept late. Started to play with my MP3 player… uploading files and such, and the damn thing is broken again. Ugh. Guess I’ll be calling the tech support guys again. Just wish the damn thing would work.

Fell victim to the gadget bug again… I ordered that camera I’ve been jonzing for… but I know I’ll really use it, so I don’t feel too guilty. As soon as it comes in, I’m gonna send in the old camera to get it repaired. Hopefully it won’t take too long.

I got a call back from the job I interviewed for on Thursday on Friday. Now the VP wants me to come in to interview. I guess that’s a good sign. I also got a call late that afternoon from the director I the first interview with. She called me from her home to say they were very interested and that she’d see me on Monday… again that sounds good. Guess I’ll find out more Monday.

Now that I’ve got XP on my laptop, Win98 on my desktop/editing suite is kinda bugging me. Been having some minor issues with it. I think I’ll probably go pick up a copy of XP for the desktop tomorrow from J&R. It’s gonna be a pain to backup all my data to CDR to dump back on the machine after I format it… but probably be worth it. I figure I’ve got about 40 discs worth of data I need to back up (last major back up was 5 months ago). Only done about 6 so far… blah.

[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Jimi Hendrix & The Band of Gypsys – “Machine Gun” ]

Had the job interview today. Went very well. They’re supposed to call me Friday and let me know what the deal is. Should be interesting.

Saw “A Beautiful Mind” today. Pretty great film. Really enjoyed what’s-his-name’s performance as the genius. Entertaining film. Then saw a band tonight… a friend of a friend’s. They were okay, just not my cup of tea.

Need sleep.

[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | Smashing Pumpkins – “Rocket” ]

So I’m having a mixed feelings kinda day. This morning a get a call from a woman about a job. Now I knew the call was coming, because a friend of mine who didn’t want the gig, suggested me for it, but it was a little bit of a shock this morning nonetheless.

At first it didn’t look good, because as soon as the girl called, my door buzzer rang. It was the USPS with a package for me… so I had to hang up on her and get the package… but I called her back, and we actually knew a lot of the same people, and had shared some of the same vendors in our jobs… so that was interesting. I’m supposed to go in on Thursday and talk some more about it. Sounds promising… but… I’m not sure if I want a job right now. My severance package runs for 3 more months, so I don’t have to get a job right now… but the market is such shit… what if one isn’t available later? Ugh. And if I turned down a job, all my other jobless friends would lynch me. I guess if they offer… I’ll take it.

Second… went to go see that camera I was jonzing for @ J&R. I don’t wanna buy it there because it’s $250 more there than online… but I wanted to hold it… see how big it is, etc. (god that sounds bad). Of course after trekking down to ground zero… they didn’t have it.

Then… I had tentative lunch plans with Bitchygurl… but they fell thru when I got held up by the job lady… so I called another friend to go eat with. Now this other friend is a girlie too… and I had been entertaining the idea of maybe asking her out…. I kinda thought there was a vibe there. And we ended up hanging out at her apartment a couple times and had a good time… but couldn’t tell if the vibe was 360 or not… Well at lunch today, I all of sudden find out she has a boyfriend… and has had one for the past year… ugh!! What the fuck is that. Was I completely fooled by the possibility of a vibe. Do I have “gay friend” tattooed on my forehead. Geez… how come I’m always the friend and never the date. Oy. And of course we talked about her boyfriend isn’t quite what she needs or is looking for… and then we both talked about what we wanted in a relationship and it’s pretty much the same thing.. but of course she’s never gonna break up with the dood… I swear. I might as well go gay… the I could be the official gay friend rather than a pseudo/proxy gay friend. UGH.

Okay… so tally so far:
a) Job interview: maybe good/maybe bad, but probably good
b) gay friend syndrome: bad.

Here’s the next weird thing. I have an MP3 player. It’s been DOA since I got it. Had been playing phone tag with tech support. We tried everything… and it wouldn’t work. They finally call me back. We go thru the whole process again… and this time, out of the blue it works. What the fuck is that? Did I do something idiotic? I feel like such a dumbass… but the guy was really cool and not condescending… so that’s a plus. So… if you ever have a problem with an eDigital product… call tech support and ask for Fonda – he rocks! So now the MP3 player is working. Just gotta load all 3,000 songs on to it. Hmmm…

Now I’m watching the Smashing Pumpkins DVD… so I’m pretty happy. Gonna fix pasta & salad later… so that should be good too. Are things turning around?

Whatever. Weird.

[ mood | restless ]
[ music | Soundgarden – “Mind Riot” ]

Okay… so first, that water thing… turns out it was a broken main somewhere so now I’ve gotta boil water for like 48 hours. Blah.

Second… lord help me. I’ve found a camera I really wanna buy, but shouldn’t… And I found a place that sells it for 250 less than suggested retail. Ugh. Nevermind I have to send my current camera in to get repaired… actually that’s why I started looking for another camera. I hate the thought of being cameraless for a few weeks while this one gets repaired. Ugh. What to do. I’m such a gadget addict. I need help.

Third… mad props to Bitchygurl for calling me outta the blue at 11:30 tonight just to chat. I was so shocked to hear her voice… I was expecting either “I’m in jail, help me” or “I’m stuck in Hoboken, can I crash!” Not that she’s always looking for something… you just gotta realize she just usually doesn’t call outta the blue. We used to work together.. so our communication was usually centered around me slacking off work to sit in her cube and chat… but since I’ve gotten laid off, it’s now an IM-only affair… but now with the introduction of the phone call… Wow. It’s like sliced bread or something. Cut to the chase… it was great to get her call! Wheeeee… color me a happy pair of pants!

Ugh… but now I’m dying for conversation. After actually talking on the phone… I’m now jonzing for those funny really-long conversations I used to have. Like the kind when you were in college… at a diner… in the middle of the night, talking about whatever for hours over a plate of waffles and scattered, smothered and covered hashbrowns. Or like the phone calls I used to get from “the girl” where we’d talk on the phone for 6 or 7 hours and not realize it till the phone bill came. How come all my great conversational friends get married & have kids, or move away, or just dissappear. Am I a shitty friend? I’d like to say no… but the evidence is leading me to another conclusion. Ugh. Here’s my personal ad: man seeks great conversationalist… topics may vary, also looking for someone who likes the occassional night at home on the couch watching bad TV or great movies. Oh and sex too. That would be good. Oh yeah… must understand that occassionally I might need a night alone, and let me be. Blah. Is that asking too much. Am I really tired and ranting… yeah. I’m trying to keep myself from buying a camera… ugh.

Blah blah ugh. Must. Not. Buy. Camera. Blah. Ugh. Help. Me.

[ mood | ecstatic ]
[ music | King’s X – “Moanjam” ]

Woo hoo! My water appears to be normal. It lost that brown tint… then went to yellow… now appears to be clear although there is some weird black residue in the bottom of the sink… I’m guess it is probably just rust. Suppose I’ll never get any answers out of my super… especially since she can’t speak English. Oh well. Now that I’ve slacked all day, I gotta be productive this evening. Right after I get up enough courage to drink the water.

On another note… I’m kinda pissed… my digital still camera is sick. It is still under warranty but I’ll probably be without the camera for a few weeks/months. That of course will suck, and now I’m looking at other cameras… I really shouldn’t buy a new camera, but it would be nice to have a backup… but the one I want is waaaay to expensive. I hope I can talk myself out of buying it.

Damn gadget fetish.

[ mood | worried ]
[ music | Poster Children – “Strange Attractors” ]

Now the water is back… but it is slow & yellow… Yummy. Blah.

[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | Refused – “Summerholidays Vs. Punkroutine” ]

Ugh… I have no water. This sucks. I really wanted to take a nice hot shower this morning in my freezing cold apartment… It would be nice to be able to flush the toliet as well. I called the super, who doesn’t speak very good English and said, “I don’t have any water.” She replied, “No one does,” and hung up the phone. Such great service.

[ mood | hungry ]
[ music | Poundhound – “Jumpin'” ]

Hmmm….. so nothing has happened so far… knock on wood. So another New Years has come and gone. Hope this is better than the last. I’m hungry and a little tipsy on Jack & Coke… so sad to drink alone… but considering I only drink like twice a year… no biggie.

Hmmm…

[ mood | numb ]
[ music | Crackerbash – “Bandage” ]

Okay so it’s almost 10:30 on New Year’s Eve night… and I’m alone in my apartment. No big suprise there. There was a chance a couple of friends were gonna come over, but that seems less and less likely now. I balanced my checkbook… I’m such a partier! But it’s nice to know that there are other losers out there like my lil Bitchygurl & Jetset who are sitting home as well. Countdown to the end!

I did fix myself a drink. I’d like to play some kind of drinking game, but that seems kinda pointless by yourself…

Got hooked on MSNBC earlier this evening. Their wrap-up of the 9/11 events. Ugh. I got sucked in. Felt like that week all over again. Sitting in my chair staring at the TV all blank. Blah.

[ mood | satisfied ]
[ music | Roxy Music – “Mother of pearl” ]

So I finally finished up my freelance project… or at least the first part of it. Still a couple of things missing. But now there is something for the client to look at. Finished it up while watching a movie on HBO… “Red Planet” with Val Kilmer. Not so horrible. Wouldn’t have wanted to pay for an actual ticket, but not bad as background to finishing a website.

So that’s one project down. Just a couple of more to go… but pretty decent for a day’s work. Now if I can just get a job.

Oh… and survive whatever New Year’s Eve has in store for us.

[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Requiem for a Dream Soundtrack – “Lux Aeterna” ]

So I slept till about 1pm this afternoon… although I actually didn’t do much sleepin’ – not sure why, just could never fall into a deep sleep. Although I did have a dream or two. The one I remember involved a baby – I was taking care of it or something. Weird dream. Been having a lot of weird dreams lately.

Finally got out of the house… decided to go to Hoboken, grab some lunch, then sit at a coffee shop and work on that freelance project. Got food… it was fair. Stopped by shitty Sam Goody’s record store to see if by some miracle they had the “Requiem for a Dream” soundtrack… and they did! Vey excited. Been watching that movie a lot lately. Watched it before I went back home for Xmas, and then the other day while I was waiting in the airport for my flight. Anyway, very stoked I have the soundtrack now. Great pieces composed by Clint Mansell (PWEI) with the Kronos quartet.

Plan to work at the coffee shop backfires when there is no place to sit… so grabbed a hot chocolate to go, and headed home. Even better though, because now I can listen to the new CD and watch the funky clouds over the Empire State Building out my window.

[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Soundgarden – “Limo Wreck” ]

Ugh… so I’m finally back home in the NYC metro area… wheeee! Good to be back home. Had a good visit in KY. Didn’t do much of anything… just relaxed and bummed a bit. Who knows why. Did hang out with a friend from HS/College. He just got divorced… there’s an upper for ya. Turns out the girl he married was a little on the unstable side and ended up shitting all over him, so he’s better off… although it’s still sad to see someone hurting. Saw “Lord of the Rings” while I was home. I enjoyed the movie. I had never read the books so I have nothing to base it against, but it made an enjoyable movie.

Had intended on being productive while I was home. Planned on either reading the entire Premiere 6.0 manual, finishing up a freelance project, or learning how to work the Hyperseek portal/database thing for my lil business project, but didn’t do any of it. Just sat, ate and watched TV. Woo hoo.

Wonder if something fucked up is gonna happen on 12/31? No plans yet. Was invited to a shindig… but thinking I’m gonna just chill out at the apartment and watch the world crumble.

So I’m at my parents visiting for the holidays… and I start reading a paper down here… and the thing about the guy on the flight from Paris trying to blow up the airline is on PAGE 5!! What the hell is that? Page 5? On the front page they had some story about “what we’ve learned from the guy with the fake heart…” Ugh. Can’t wait to fly back home…

Feeling melancholy… doesn’t really feel like Christmas. Blah.

[ mood | sick ]
[ music | the sound of a fan spinning… ]

Ugh… So I’m sitting/laying in my bed @ 3:15, sucking down Theraflu… yummy cherry flavor. Very annoyed with livejournal right now. Keeps crapping out as I’m trying to enter my interests, so alas, I gave up on them. So I have no interests. And this journal is butt ugly. Guess I’ll have to read that developer thingee so I can customize it…

I dedicate this first post to Jetset… who kept bugging me to do it. He’s a loser like me… wheeee… I think the theraflu is starting to kick in. Feeling drowsy… More later. And hopefully interests too…. wheeeeeee