[ mood | relaxed ]
[ music | Sea Ray – “Arrow Boy” ]

I had one of those weird days, where you forgot what you were going to do with the day… I went out Friday, and then Sunday I slept late. After that I did a bunch of oddjob types things… laundry, paying bills, etc. The thought in my head was that – “gee, I’ll get all this stuff done today, so Sunday will be wide open.”

Then Sunday came.

I totally forgot what I was going to do, if I even had a plan. Ending up kind of just not doing anything, but enjoying myself. It was kinda rainy/chilly out, so I didn’t feel like commuting anywhere… I’m totally spacey today. I’ve had like this weird fog lately. Dunno what it is.

Making a mix playlist… really mellow music. A lot of Salaryman, Air, Pell Mell, etc. Totally what my head feels like.

[ mood | amused ]
[ music | Conformco Brain Deprogrammers – “Echoveb 770 Remix” ]

Okay, so I’m eating Chinese food by myself last night… The fortune says, “There is true and sincere friendship between you both.” Okay, so either there’s a ghost living in my living room, the voices in my head are so loud the Chinese can hear them, or it’s just a personal dig at me since I’m by myself. At any rate, the food was good.

[ mood | accomplished ]
[ music | The Cure – “Wrong Number” ]

Had an interesting day at work. Got frustrated. Got angry. Send stern e-mail to vendor. Vendor changed mind all-of-a-sudden to agree with me. Saved the company a nice chunk of change by yelling at vendor. I rock.

Went out with Starky after work and hit Remote Lounge for a couple of drinks. These girls were making out all night. Nice enterainment.

Starky and I took some fun pix afterwards.

[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | Pearl Jam – “Crown of Thorns (Live)” ]

So there’s hope out there… talked to another friend who found a job today. So that’s 5 formerly laid off dotcom workers (including me) that have gotten picked up by other companies. That’s a good sign… right?

I felt useful at work – in meetings & discussions. But again I didn’t get anything really done. Still just info dump & discussion. Pretty soon their gonna want results… To many freaking meetings.

Picked up another gay-friend merit badge today. Was talking to a girl I know… not too well, but well enough to be chatting casually on IM. We’ve never really talked personal stuff before while hanging out… just gotten drunk & bitched about music. All of sudden in the middle of some other IM conversation, she asks me for advice on some guy she likes. Ugh.

Did have a nice phoner with “The Girl” today. Wasn’t quite long enough, but they never are. “The Girl” rocks. Too bad she moved so far away, would be nice to hang ‘n’ chat in person.

Soooo sleepy.

[ mood | tired ]
[ music | nine inch nails – “The Only Time” ]

So I had a pretty productive day today, even though I slept really late. Got up & paid bills – woo hoo, and then I went into the city to see some movies. Deposited my paycheck, and ate some good, cheap, Mexican food… yum.

The first flick I went to see was “The Mothman Prophecies.” I really liked it. Kinda slow paced, but it worked for this flick. I knew where it was going, but that might just be because I read some Mothman lore when I was younger. Overall: good flick. But why the fuck would people bring their baby to see it? People like this should really be prevented from having children in the first place. “Hey, let’s go see a Rated-R movie in Manhattan… that features scary stuff, and loud noises… and let’s bring our baby!” Spring for a babysitter you pieces of shit. Ugh. As the movie started, I thought things were gonna be okay, but then about an hour in, she started balling. At least they had the decency to leave the theatre with her.

But then they came back. And she started screaming again. This time people in the audience let them know about it by shouting… “Shut up” and “Fucking shut-up that goddamned baby” — which is what I kinda felt like yelling, but didn’t. Eventually they left and never came back.

Part of me thinks that all people should be sterilized (reversalble) at birth… and when they reach a certain age, they can “apply” to be parents. They have to meet some qualifications… level of income high enough to care for baby… mental stability… no drug use, and a certain level of intelligence… at least common sense. If they qualify, *bam* you get your tubes/nuts untied & you can start fucking to make babies. It’s my hope that after a couple of generations of that, we’ll have gotten rid of most of the stupid people in the world. Of course I know this would never happen… but I’d like to see someone run for office on this platform sometime, just to see what happens…

The next flick I saw was “Birthday Girl.” Nicole Kidman was cute, but don’t believe the hype… this movie wasn’t very good. Not so awful that I got up and left… but just not good. Stay away. There was a guy snoring really loud a couple seats behind me for most of the movie, but it didn’t really bother me… that’s how little I was into this film.

Then I took the bus home. I hate the bus. It really irks me that’s it’s more convenient for me to take the bus home from work/play than the PATH now. The bus is so crowded and full of lame people. It only takes me about 10 minutes to get home via the bus, and 30 minutes via the PATH, but I find myself taking the PATH so I don’t have to take the bus. Ugh.

I was going to do some work when I got home… I brought it home on Friday from the office, but I just couldn’t make myself do it. I don’t even remember what it is. I suppose I’ll get up on Monday early and look at it… maybe. I’m having a hard time getting anything done at work. I can’t concentrate… or I don’t want to. I think a lot of it has to do with the meetings. I have a lot of meetings now. Some days it’s only one, but most days I have at least 3 or 4 and their back to back. It’s so tiring. By the time I get back to my desk, my brain is fried. I feel like I contribute pretty well in the meetings, but I haven’t done a lot outside of them. I hope the fog lifts soon. I’m really dreading going in tomorrow. I’m stoked I have a job. I’m stoked the pay me well to do it. I like the people. What’s wrong? Is it the content. Sometimes I think it’s the content. I have a hard time relating to it. I shouldn’t bitch, I just wish I could concentrate.

I’m bitching a lot in this post. I sound like such an asshole. A lot of my friends don’t have jobs, or are stuck in bad ones, and I’m bitching because I can’t concentrate. I think what worries me, is that it’s exhausting me. I come home and sit in front of the TV after work, then go to sleep, then get up and do it all over again. When I was laid off I was socializing, but since I’ve started working, the only time I’ve seen my friends is for lunch. I gotta figure a way to keep from reverting to my hermit status.

I did play around with my camera last night, and got some pretty nice nightime shots. I was pleased with how they came out.

I have a headache.

[ mood | mellow ]
[ music | Filter – “Hey Man Nice Shot” ]

I guess I can’t get away from this now… There is a really interesting multimedia presentation in the Times today about photojournalist and 9.11. They narrate the pictures they shot. Really powerful. You can get to it here.

I also added some not-so-traumatic pix at my [REDACTED] website. Galleries 027-029 are new.

[ mood | blank ]

I hadn’t really actively thought about it in a while. Then on my way to work this morning, I read this.

[ mood | blah ]

I’m finding it really hard to get into work. I can’t concentrate on coming up with ideas. Plus it’s hot as hell in my office right now and I’m still having computer problems. I’m really not liking work today. I’ve got a list of things to do, but no real motivation to do any of them.

[ mood | groggy ]
[ music | Jeff Buckley – “Last Goodbye” ]

There was something I was gonna say… but now I’m totally drawing a blank. It was some spastic piece of philosophy I was going to share, but it’s all gone now. Oh well.

I played the gay friend all day long. First I had lunch with the gals: The Vin, The Chainsaw & The Bumblebee. Most of the conversation was about work, but I still felt like the token fruit. Not that there’s anything wrong with that… but how do I get myself in these situations. Most of my friends are girls. I need more male friends. You don’t meet available gurlies hanging out with other gurlies. I need be sitting around farting, cussing and hitting on girls with the fellas. Of course when hanging out with the gals… there’s cussing and farting, and they usually hit on each other… just to torment me, so it’s basically the same. Then after work, actually before work was really over, a bunch of us from the office went for margaritas. Who did I end up riding the elevator with and sitting with… all girls. One of them even said, “It’s the girls… and Lance.” Oy. Oh, and big-headed Jetset will luv this… I’ve already been compared to Donal Logue, although it appears like my nickname will end up being Conan… like Conan O’Brien… guess it’s an Irish thing. But work today was actually pretty decent. I was in meetings pretty-much the entire day, but it was all a giggle fest… For some reason everyone was cracking up in each meeting.

This place is sinking its teeth in me… I think I’m becoming a pod.

[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | Deftones – “Bored” ]

So the Times Square rage came out in me today… big shock. I knew it was coming, but wasn’t sure when it would make itself felt.

I was already pissed off this morning when I got to work, because my computer is still not set up. It’s in the office and on the desk, but not on the network. It’s actually a decent computer… 1.7 GHz, 40gb, ATI Rage Video card… the monitor is only a 17″, which isn’t really bad, but when you’ve been spoiled with 20″/21″ machines for a couple of years, it’s an adjustment. I was able to hack my way onto it, only to find out that my user name is restricted user… meaning that I can’t install any programs. I’m hoping they change that once they finish connecting me to the network. It would suck having to call tech support 5 blocks away every time I want to install AIM, ICQ or an FTP client. Finally was able to get online… my mail is fucked, but I can browse websites. I feel so fucking useless here without any access. Ugh.

And then I decided to go to the bank. That wasn’t so bad, but a long ass line. But then I started thinking about how shitty customer service is in NYC… especially midtown. Like when you’re in line at a fast food counter, and the cashier screams “NEXT!!!” Jesus. Shit like that doesn’t happen anywhere else. Most people in the American service industry are actually polite. Up here, even the managers are assholes. Anyway… customer service in Manhattan pisses me off… and then I go to the Post Office. I gave up two seconds after I walked in. I’ll just get up early Saturday and go to the nice once in Hoboken. Ugh.

Then… I went to the bathroom here at the office. Now I understand why toliets in public places, and bars are fucking nasty, but why the fuck do they get so nasty in a professional office building. Everyone here has a college degree and has some amount of common sense. Why do people piss all over the seats and refuse to flush? I’m not being really anal or something (no pun intended)… I don’t expect the place to be spotless, but it’s fucking nasty. And it does get cleaned every night, so it’s not a maintenance issue.

Anyway… all those things just made me fucking angry today… that and the tourists that keep stopping in the middle of the sidewalk… I kept wanting to push them into traffic. Ugh. I was walking back to the office after grabbing food and I was just so miserable. Ugh. Sometimes I fucking hate New York.

[ mood | blah ]
[ music | Shawshank Redemption Soundtrack – “Shawshank Redemption” ]

So that pimple on my eyelid wasn’t there when I woke up… so either it corrected itself, or I was having some fucked-up hallucination last night… either way, glad it’s gone.

In the saga of “when will Lance get a computer at work” — supposedly this coming Friday… that’s the word from the tech support people. Not sure if I believe them, but it would be nice. In other office news… word is that I might be getting a cell mate in my office… which would suck, but not be the end of the world. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was another creative person, or someone online, etc., but sounds like I’m getting an accountant. Blah.

I’m still having this feeling of unease the night before work, and during the commute as well, but once I get there I’m pretty happy – I think this just might work out.

Times Square isn’t as bugging as I thought it was gonna be, probably because I’m not in TRL central, so the crowds aren’t as annoying. It is kinda nice because I have many commute options from there.

Had lunch with The Vin today. It was great seeing her again. She’s still kicking it at her job. We chatted about career stuff, and funny marriage stories and split some apple pie ala mode… yum!

Got my hair cut today, but now I have itchy-head. Ack. I’ll be finding lil hairs for days.

I haven’t had the urge to stab anyone lately. That’s a bonus. I did read an article about a guy who got stabbed in the head with a screwdriver outside a cybercafe in Cali. A screwdriver. Most screwdrivers cost more than knives. A screwdriver… ouch.

Sleep now.

[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | The Spinanes – “Noel, Jonah And Me” ]

I have a pimple on my eyelid… how the fuck does that happen… how the fuck do you get rid of it? It is freaking me out… I’m having aural & visual issues this long weekend.
Sunday all day my ear was blocked with waxed… but I was finally able to flush it out… and now this… fuck n’ hell.

[ mood | full ]
[ music | Tool – “Triad’ ]

I got nagged at today for not writing in my journal enough… She who shall remain nameless is attempting to maintain a journal of her own… and apparently I’m a role model… wheeeee. So here I go…

I’m about to pop. I’m attempting to drink more water daily. I read a bunch of articles talking about how important it is to drink enough water. I think the reason I’ve been sick as of late has a lot to do with not keep hydrated… well that and stress. Nothing you can do about stress, but I’m trying to drink more water and starting to eat better. I’ve also cut out caffiene. I usually do that once a year for a few months and then give in… but I’m thinking it is gonna stick this time. a) I’m not going thru withdrawl like I normally do & b) I’ve replaced coffee & cokes with this insane amount of water… Back to the water. Most people need 64 ozs a day. I’m gonna up them and try to do 100 oz. a day. That’s about 3 liters… so 2 of those big Poland spring bottles. Normally it’s not bad, and I’m actually liking water now… but I got a late start today. Got busy with stuff and forgot to drink the water… so I ended drinking the bulk of it between like 8pm and now. I envision several trips to the bathroom tonight.

Work has been pretty decent so far. Of course I’ve been sick all week, so my experience hasn’t been great… but hopefully it’ll get better this week. I have an office which is pretty cool… first private office for me! And yes I am still waiting for a damn computer… that part is very frustrating. I went out today to get a desk lamp so I wouldn’t have to use those horrible fluorescent overheads, so it’s starting to be a little more personalized. The people still seem pretty cool. No hint of politics yet. Everyone has been really friendly and helpful… still feeling a little bit over my head, but as I catch on, I expect that to go away somewhat.

My first roommate in NYC who left for the greener pastures of Silicon Valley a few years back got laid off last week from Yahoo. He had been there a long time. His attitude was a lot like mine at the last job I had… he was ready to get laid off. The job had gotten shittier progressively as Yahoo had acquired new companies in his area. He seems okay with the whole thing… hope it works out. The tally of unemployed friends keeps going up. Wonder what this year is gonna be like?

I was a total vegatable this weekend… I didn’t do crap till today. I’m telling myself I was sick so it was okay… and indeed I was on medication, but still feel like I wasted the weekend. Still not used to the idea of the work week. I gotta make a better effort to take advantage of the weekends.

(yes i realize this is a long ass rant… on well)

When I was dropping off my lamp at the office today (we were closed), I ran into a guy who works there, who was sneaking in some extra work. We talked for a while.. he’s a really great guy At some point he mentioned that it must have been a pain for me to come in from Jersey just to drop off the lamp… It still makes me laugh when people think Jersey is soooo far away. When I told him how long my commute took he looked shocked and then revealed that his Brooklyn commute took twice as long. I’m still digging where I live… cheap, quick commute, and quiet at night. Now while it’s easy to get from Jersey to Manhattan, it can be a pain in the ass to get to the other boroughs… but only losers live there anyway 😉

Still kinda in a melancholy funk… probably just the sickness and the newness of the job. “The Girl” did call me today. We only got to chat for a second, but it still made me smile. Wish we had more time to chat… but it’s tough. I’ll take what I can get though.

I’m still listening to the “new” Tool album. I probably listen to it all the way thru once or twice per week since it came out last year. Amazing musically. I’m still not into their other albums as much, but this one is so amazying. So much ear candy… sounds great on headphones as well as rumbling out speakers. If anyone reading this hasn’t really been into Tool (like me previously)… pick up Lateralus used… and then start by listening to Parabol & Parabola – unbelievable.

This post feels shitty to me… but I’m hitting submit anyway. Gotta pee.

Weeeeee.

[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Smashing Pumpkins – “Here’s To The Atom Bomb” ]

I’m realizing now that I’m looking back on journal entries that I’ve been listening a lot to the Pumpkins lately… which is kinda weird, because I had kinda written them off… I guess they’re kinda like an old friend for me… disappearing for a while, and then returning to brighten your day. Weird.

So that last post was a little confusing… as if I never got into the office that day… just sat in reception. That’s not the case… the timestamp on that entry was goofy…

Anyway, I finally found someone at the office to let me in. We ran around for a while introducing me to everyone… I’m so bad at remembering names, but now that I’ve been there for a few days I think I’m catching on. So I do have an office – which is pretty sweet. I finally got a phone two days in, but I still don’t have a computer yet… which makes it kinda hard to do your job when you’re the online producer… alas. Been in meetings most of the week getting caught up on what’s going on. I basically walked into a massive relaunch scheduled for April 1st. Agh. A little overwhelming at first, but it’s all starting to become clear. It’s easier to adjust since I worked for the same parent company forever… But what’s really great there, is that there’s no real distinction between online & on-air, like there is at most TV networks. The entire network is on one floor. Everyone goes to the meetings… You don’t have to fight to get online mentions on-air and vice-versa… it really works well. They have that part nailed.

Everyone I’ve met so far seems really cool. No bad vibes at all. Only downer is that I’ve been sick all week. Finally went to the doc this morning and he gave me some drugs. So looks like I’ll be chillin in my apartment all weekend, encased in snow and popping pills. Fun. So tired. Going to bed.

[ mood | anxious ]

So here I am sitting in reception at the new job… I called to find out what time to be here yesterday, but my director never called me back. If they’re like MTV they start at 10am… but I figured I’d play it safe and show up @ 9. I had to run an errand first which ended up taking longer than expected… so I got there @ 9:15. My director isn’t in yet… so I’m still waiting. No big deal, but I have to pee… ugh.

[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | Smashing Pumpkins – “Set The Ray To Jerry” ]

I’ve been depressed all day today. A few things kinda set me off… none of them totally huge… just seemed like a culmination of things. But as the day drug on I started realizing that it felt different than the occasional depression I had over the last couple of months (gadgets not working… loneliness, etc.). It wasn’t the 9.11 type, although I’m sure that one is in there buried deep in my subconscious readying itself to spring forth at any time. It made me queasy… my stomach hurt. Then it set in… it’s work depression. It’s the same feeling I had on and off the last year @ MTV.com. The feeling I had walking to work.. and wanting to just keep walking down 9th street and not enter those revolving doors… God, I hope MTV didn’t ruin me forever. I hate to go into the new job with this baggage hanging over me. I hope the new gig can actually be “new” to me. I hope it can be like MTV used to be when I first started… exciting, fun, full of hard, rewarding work.

I think I’m actually more scared that I’ll interpret the job as being shitty when it’s not, than the job actually being shitty. Does that make any sense?

I used to love work. I hope I can again.

Blah.

[ mood | relaxed ]
[ music | Smashing Pumpkins – “Obscured” ]

So I had an interesting weekend… Friday we had an exMTV lil drinkfest. Quite fun. Seems like quite a few people showed up and everyone had fun… some people had a lil too much fun and almost got their asses kicked out to the curb… let’s just say some tits & crotch were flashed… I was gone by then, but heard part of the story later that night.. Can’t wait to hear the rest of it.

Went to a show last night with Jetset to see a band he and everyone else in NYC is raving about… Interpol. My summary… don’t believe the hype. I liked the threads… I liked the music, but you could grate cheese on the lead singer’s voice. One of the few shows where I enjoyed the opening bands more than the main attraction. I highly recommend Sea Ray… Mellow band with a 2 guitar, bass, keys, drums & cello arrangement… nice. Bought 2 CDs off the guy after the show and I thought he was gonna kiss me or something… wonder if I was the only one to buy in that night?

So ended up hanging out most of the weekend with Jetset… specially since his lazy Boston ass was staying at my place. It was actually fun having him around. Sometimes it is a pain in the ass to play host for your friends from outta town (he’d probably agree), but it worked out well with him. Plus since we were out by Mercury Lounge I was able to eat Bereket!!! I miss that place.

After Jetset left this morning, I headed into the city to catch a flick. Saw the “Royal Tennenbaums” – totally let down by it. I think I let the hype color my viewing… but I just didn’t enjoy it. Pacing was really funky & frustrating. I like Wes Anderson’s style… but everything about this movie just seemed pale in comparison to “Rushmore” — dunno. Maybe I’ll catch it again on video after I’ve forgotton about it. Sometimes I like films better that way.

Before the movie began, I was sitting in a lil Mexican place eating a chicken taco and watching the tourists pass by. I saw this tourist family pass by… father in a Yankees cap, mother in Mets knit cap, daughters wearing NYC tees… and then their teenage son strolled by wearing a “Ground Zero” knit cap. WHAT THE FUCK! I fucking wanted to go out there and rip it off his head and shove it up his ass. Is he gonna go home to Nebraska and be like, “look at my cool cap.” Or maybe when they ask him what he did on vacation he’ll say “went to NYC to see this big hole in the ground… it was sooo rad.” I really felt like bashing his head into the curb in front of his family and then asking them if they had a t-shirt I could where. What a fucking family of dickheads. A “Ground Zero” hat… what the fuck is that all about. FDNY, NYPD… I get that… but Ground Zero… oh brother.

2 more days of freedom then I work again. I don’t wanna work.

[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | Jane’s Addiction – “Been Caught Stealing” ]

So I got a job today! I’m pretty excited. I was actually gonna pass on it at first, because it was only a four-month position, but after talking to one of the directors, she assured me that there was a strong possibility that I would be taken on as staff if I worked out… Now I could just be a sucker falling for a line… but I think I really believe her. Everyone there seems really cool… no ego or politics. I think I’m really lucky to have gotten picked up there. Of course… I’ll probably be bitching a day after I start.

I’ll miss being a slacker. I hope it all works out.

[ mood | excited ]
[ music | DJ Shadow – “Midnight In A Perfect World” ]

Wow…. Windows XP Pro is a breeze to install… and so much quicker to boot up. About 30 seconds compared to 5 minutes on Win98SE. So happy… yay!

[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Salaryman – “I Need A Monkey” ]

Hmmmm… so I had a melancholy kinda day. Slept late. Started to play with my MP3 player… uploading files and such, and the damn thing is broken again. Ugh. Guess I’ll be calling the tech support guys again. Just wish the damn thing would work.

Fell victim to the gadget bug again… I ordered that camera I’ve been jonzing for… but I know I’ll really use it, so I don’t feel too guilty. As soon as it comes in, I’m gonna send in the old camera to get it repaired. Hopefully it won’t take too long.

I got a call back from the job I interviewed for on Thursday on Friday. Now the VP wants me to come in to interview. I guess that’s a good sign. I also got a call late that afternoon from the director I the first interview with. She called me from her home to say they were very interested and that she’d see me on Monday… again that sounds good. Guess I’ll find out more Monday.

Now that I’ve got XP on my laptop, Win98 on my desktop/editing suite is kinda bugging me. Been having some minor issues with it. I think I’ll probably go pick up a copy of XP for the desktop tomorrow from J&R. It’s gonna be a pain to backup all my data to CDR to dump back on the machine after I format it… but probably be worth it. I figure I’ve got about 40 discs worth of data I need to back up (last major back up was 5 months ago). Only done about 6 so far… blah.